bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she peed on how many people?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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