Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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