The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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