I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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