Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
