a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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