Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
my phone needs a breathalizer
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
