I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
