Someone shit on the floor
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
