You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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