Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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