just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
