so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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