Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
