just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Randomize
