Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
