Having a random hookup so left but love u
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
