So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
