its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
nutella sex= disaster
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
