Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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