Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
