Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
