I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
