that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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