you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
