Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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