I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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