Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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