went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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