I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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