After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
