my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
