Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
