My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize