Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
