this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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