Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
