Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
