Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
