I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
