he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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