Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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