During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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