Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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