So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I have post one night stand depression
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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