Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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