I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
