Rock
Scissors
Fuck
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
