totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
