I am spending my child support on dildos
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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