She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
