I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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