I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
