The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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