Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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