I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
