apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
